I'm still here, and I still care
by Maryoncer
Summary: In which Owen tells Amelia about Derek's accident.


**This story was written extremely late last night, and it is not proof read or marked. I can only apologize for that. I don't know if I can provide a story without mistakes, but perhaps some entertainment?**

**Enjoy!**

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He told her. He had been the one to tell her about Derek's accident. At first he had been at doubt if he should pull her out of surgery, but then he remembered what he'd done to Teddy. It wasn't fair, he hated it. And he couldn't do the same thing to Amelia.

Even if he dreaded walking into that OR, he had to do it. The nurses had paged one of the other neurosurgeons on call, and he was prepared for almost anything. He didn't know how she would take it. Owen pushed the door open and held the surgical mask in front of his mouth. Amelia and a resident stood in front of a patient - with an open head, he had to be careful. The resident lifted his head barely, but Amelia didn't move her sight an inch. Her eyes were on the patient's brain.

He cleared his throat and found the courage to speak, "Dr. Shepherd."

Then she lifted her head to take a look at him. She didn't snap or say anything, only stared. The only thing making a sound in the room was the machines. Owen heard his own breath, the silence was agonizing.

"What do you want, chief?" Amelia was the first to speak. She no longer looked at him, her eyes were back on the patient and her focus, as well.

"Do you have a minute?" he asked softly. Owen dared not move closer or to do anything. He didn't know what to do, truthfully. He was just about to tell one of his surgeons that her brother was dead. The fact remained, she wasn't just a person who worked for him, she was... someone he cared deeply about. No matter what had gone down the past days, he still had feelings for her. She didn't deserve all this, he wished it didn't.

"Does it look like I have a minute?" she replied, her tone was firm, but she didn't sound angry. Of course not, no, it didn't look like it. But how was he going to tell her that she needed to get out of surgery?

"I paged the other attending on call, I trust he can take care of this?" Owen spoke calmly.

"Well, this is a standard procedure, even a resident could take care of this," the resident on Amelia's left side mumbled. The chief of neurosurgery snapped her head in the surgical resident's direction and gave him a stern look.

Owen bit the inside of his cheek and sighed. Damn it, this could've gone better. Suddenly Amelia dropped the scalpel and took a step back. One of the nurses removed her head lights, she stepped over to the bin and tore off her gloves and other gear. She went to scrub, he took the chance to open the door and walk out. She soon followed.

"What could possibly be so important you had to pull me out of surgery?" she snapped. He'd expected this, honestly. She had the right to be angry, and if she wanted to be angry with him right now, he would allow it. Soon her world would fall apart.

"There has been an accident, Amelia," he revealed. The anger in her face disappeared and her face fell. Amelia swallowed slowly, as she was preparing for the storm. He couldn't wait any longer. He had to tell her. "Derek is dead."

Her body language changed. Her face went pale. He didn't know what he expected. He didn't know what she was thinking. Amelia threw a hand over her mouth and stared at him for at least a full minute.

"I'm so, so sorry," Owen whispered. His hand reached out to touch her shoulder, but she moved from his grasp. "Amelia," he tried, but she shook her head. Before he could say anything else, she started walking away. He wanted to give her space or to leave her alone, but he needed to see she was okay. So he followed her.

She took the stairs. He couldn't believe her small legs could move so quickly. He almost ran after her. "Amelia," he tried, once again, yelling after her. She didn't even turn her head, she just kept walking away from him.

Amelia finally slowed down when they got to the attending's lounge. She walked in, and he was right behind her. He was glad to see the room was empty. Amelia settled down on the floor, and leant up against one of the walls. She pulled her legs up against her chest. Her eyes stared into space, as if in deep thought. Maybe as if she couldn't look at him.

She didn't need to, and she didn't need to say anything either. He considered sitting down beside her, and pulling her into his embrace, but she had already made it clear she didn't want to be touched. He decided to sit down next to her nevertheless, just letting her know he was there for her.

"I cannot believe this is happening," her mouth spoke, he noticed her voice was thick and raspy. She was probably in shock, he gathered. Not that he didn't expect that. Derek Shepherd was dead. Her big brother was dead.

"Everyone I-" she started, but her voice broke. The only thing coming out was a broken sob. What did she need? What could he do? Was there any way he could help her? God, he felt so helpless. He wished he could just take her pain away.

Owen had never lost a sibling. He was an only child, and he didn't know what it was like to have a biological sibling. But... Derek Shepherd had been one of the closest things he'd had. It sounded crazy, because they had despised each other at first. And after all they fights and conflicts they'd had through the years, one wouldn't think Owen could define Derek as some kind of brother. Somehow he did, though. They had both been involved with the twisted sisters, it was almost like a pact. Derek Shepherd was dead, and Owen felt like a piece of him had been taken away. The world didn't make sense.

"Every man I've ever been close to, I've lost. This _can't_ be real," she whispered so silently, he could hardly hear it. The sobs coming out of her mouth came freely now, tears fell from her eyes. Yet, he found her insanely beautiful. She was a beautiful mess, but who cared? Just because she struggled with things, and just because he struggled, too, didn't mean they were a mistake. She was the first woman since Cristina, the first woman he'd dared to take a chance with. She wasn't a mistake. They weren't a mistake. And he would be there for her.

"Amelia, I'm so sorry," he repeated those words he'd said earlier. He didn't know what else to say. Only then, did he dare to reach out and touch her. His arm stroked hers, he found her hand and squeezed carefully. She pressed her eyelids close and bit her lip. Pain was written all over her face. She continued to sob. That was okay, she could cry. He would sit here as long as she needed him to.

"It's okay," he whispered and she leaned her on his shoulder. Her sobs quieted down and turned down to small sniffles.

"No, it's not," she snorted. Just as if his words had been a joke. He swallowed and tilted his head, looking for her new action. "It's a long list," she sighed. "A really long list, really."

"What?" he asked confused.

"The list of men I've loved - and lost." Amelia turned to look at him, and she felt his heart ache for her. Her eyes were entirely blank. "My dad was the first. Then there's Ryan. I don't even know if I really was in love with him, because I was so high most of the time we were together. Mark died, too. One of my colleagues died - Pete, I was never in love with him, but I cared..."

Owen listened silently. He didn't know she'd been that close to Mark, but then again, there were a lot of things he didn't know. She moved her eyes away from, and down onto the floor.

"Derek's dead. My only brother is dead. Half my life I've been in his shadow. I've been dreading it. Right now I wish I was in his shadow again," Amelia told him. Silence fell again. He place a kiss into her head and closed his eyes.

"And my son."

If Owen already wasn't feeling his heart break into a million pieces for her, he definitely was now. Her baby had been a boy. She'd lost so many people. As if he'd gotten to know her, he'd seen her as one of the strongest people he knew. When you looked at Amelia Shepherd, she looked like a just an ordinary woman, but she was so much more.

"I'm not going anywhere," Owen smiled into her hair and sighed. She pulled her head off of his shoulder and turned it to look right at him.

"You don't know that," she said seriously. He frowned and pressed his lips together. No, he didn't know what fate would throw his way, but he would fight like hell to survive it.

"No, I don't." Owen confessed, and then he felt a small smile pull at his cheeks. "But I know that I'm not giving up on you. I know we can't do anything about what happens in the universe, but we can decided what we choose to do, ourselves. I'm not leaving you, not willingly. Whatever happens, happens. I'm here... I'm still here, and I still care."

She stared at him, in awe, with a broken look written all over her face. But she didn't pull away, his hand was still wrapped in hers. She didn't put up her walls, or run, not this time.

"This isn't a game to me," Amelia whispered, her voice breaking again. "I wasn't playing."

"I know."


End file.
